I remember the first time I slow danced with a boy I liked. It was utterly terrifying to be so physically near the person. I wonder if dancing with God is similar: scary yet electrifying.
Although I love connection, relationships aren’t really my thing. (I know that is a paradox but light can be a particle and a wave…) But I’m the first to admit that it is much easier to have a day to day relationship with my cats than with humans. After all, they are pretty predictable. I know they will meow, want to be fed and will jump on my lap every second possible. Humans are less so. Sometimes they are in a good mood; sometimes a crappy one. Sometimes they shower you with affection; other times they are down right mean. Or needy. Or depressing to be around. And sometimes, they severely disappoint.
So what is God like to be around?
Like a newlywed, I am just starting to find out as my idea of who He is breaks down and the reality of who He is sinks in. So far, He isn’t predictable — but he isn’t mean, needy or depressing. He also doesn’t let me down. However, I often keep him at arms length, a cool aloof partner instead of a spontaneous, loving one. I get too pre-occupied with my to-do list and my worries and fears instead of just letting Him hold me and take care of things every once in a while. When you’re used to doing everything on your own, how do you begin to rely on Another, the Supreme Other? How do you surrender into this Love and let someone else lead for awhile? I don’t know. It can feel like a dangerous dance.
When you do actually learn to dance as a female, there is this weird moment where you have to trust the guy – because he has the lead. Half the time I don’t know the dance but if the guy knows what he is doing, it doesn’t matter. If you simply surrender and follow, the next thing you know you’re being twirled all over the dance floor. And it’s so much fun. You twirl and swirl all over the place and sometimes get lifted or dipped when you least expect it.
When it comes to God, I am very much like that star struck teenager pining for a dance but too afraid to even show my face. Ever the wall flower. Thankfully, God is a more persistent suitor and occasionally insists on a turn whether I want to move or not.
In relationships, the real danger occurs when you get past the introductions and babbling and start to just be. But that is also where comfort starts to sink in. Getting closer to God is teaching me that it almost more dangerous not to seek Him because quite frankly, life is off kilter without Him. He is what makes one complete; not a romantic partner. And as I start to be with Him, I’m experiencing a kind of love that surpasses anything human and that just keeps showing up.
Intimacy with God. A very dangerous dance indeed. But how wonderful.