Last New Years Day, on a whim, I started this blog. I remember nervously staring at the wordpress home page wondering if I’d be able to figure out how to set up a template and register my blog name. Miraculously, the site was easy to navigate and within an hour or so, I was up and running. I hadn’t wasted the day trying to get stuff working only to experience the frustration of technological defeat.
For me, the blog took courage. I’d been told by CAMFT that if therapists have a blog, they have to keep it somewhat anonymous if it is personal vs. educational in nature. This is because clients having access to their providers’ inner lives pushes the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship. I felt pangs of guilt. Was I violating any rules?
What I discovered in this process was a weird dialect between the extreme pleasure of communication and contact with readership and simultaneous shame and guilt for putting myself out there – almost as if I was doing something “dirty.” As I explored this, I realized that somewhere in my early years being in my authentic self must have had a highly negative consequence – punishment? rejection? violation? I don’t know. But I do know that expression and exposure produces an edge of pleasure and shame for me and consequently, a type of hyper-vigilance. (Of course FaceBook then puts me way over the edge).
But the blog became a gift – a gift of new friendships, validation and community with others. I wouldn’t trade that for all the tea in China. It is also helping me develop my artistic voice and what I want to say in the future, possibly in book form. Best yet, it was good for me to have a blog of my own, instead of just posting on everyone else’s which in hindsight I realized was me wanting to use MY voice too. Instead of just following, I wanted a platform of my own.
So, as one year ends and another begins – Happy New Years everyone. Here’s to living dangerously and creatively! It is well worth the risk. May 2010 be wonderful and outrageous.