As a never been married woman about to turn 45, I have heard it all. If you want to know what NOT to say to someone in this situation, take note. I’ve been told that if I really wanted love that I would have manifested it (subtext = you’re either ambivalent or not working hard enough). I’ve been told that if I put as much effort into finding a partner as I did my carer or studies, I easily would have found someone by now. I’ve been told I need to get out more (the assumption being that I am shy wallflower, which I’m not). I’ve been told to not be so picky.
It has been suggested that maybe I need to work through my “issues”… Do you know how many people are in relationships who haven’t worked out theirs?
It has been insinuated that because I am thought to be pretty, there must be some great mystery as to why haven’t I gotten hitched. I’ve been called “catwoman” and also accused of being married to my work, which is definitely not the case. (But I have to support myself. After all, I’m single).
No one has ever questioned my sexual orientation, although I think this once crossed my mother’s mind, and I’m sure it has others as well. I’ve seen the pitying looks as well as the patronizing or fearful ones. I’ve also seen the “don’t you dare talk to my husband!” dagger eyes and jealous, longing stares from men and women alike wishing they too could go off to a yoga class or to surf but can’t because their lives are tied down with domestic commitments.
And through it all, I’ve stubbornly held out knowing that I had not quite found long term partnership. There have been dalliances, close calls, genuine love, plus many opportunities to learn. But I have never felt what I am feeling right now.
God does not leave us in the desert forever.
Yet one can no more look for love than try to make it rain. Instead is something that simply finds you. Yes, when you least expect it. And when you’ve come to doubt it may ever happen and you’ve even made peace with that.
I remember someone once saying that I would find love simply by doing my own thing and that one day, there would be someone walking a similar path that would simply come up beside me. Tell that to anyone today. That you’re just going to do your own thing and that love will find you. Individuals will look at you like you’re off your rocker. But ultimately, that is what I said I’d do. I was tired of trying to make things happen.
For years nothing happened.
And then suddenly, the wait was worth it.